What happened to me in 2013?

My life took a very drastic change at the end of 2012..... Right after I graduated from high school I found out that my parents were getting a divorce... So before 2013 even started I knew how it was going to go...

The fighting between my parents climaxed and I just could not take it any longer... I moved out to my boyfriends house around November and my new life started..

My new year started with a new job, new responsibilities, new lifestyle, new everything. I learned the hard way what it was to actually have to worry about things. Before I left my home I was used to having almost everything done for me.. All I had to worry about was my school work, my parents fighting once in a while, and stuff that any random teenager could imagine. However, I was stressed all the time, all I could ever think about was the chaos that I had to overcome that day... my only escape was the days that I could spend with my boyfriend. Even then I had to bring in my problems to him. When I decided to leave... well I talked to my boyfriend's parents and we all agreed... (By the way, my boyfriend, who today is my fiancé, his name is Manny).

On the day I left my home my mom was away, she had not yet left our home but she was making the decision to leave. My dad cursed me out, over the years he had made me feel useless but on the day I left he made me feel like trash... I wrote him a very long letter and didn't talk to him for the first couple of weeks after I moved out. Anyway, my mom left not too long after I left. The only one who stayed is my little sister.

Starting a new life, with a new family was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Yes, the part of having my boyfriend with me almost 24/7 was great! That is the only way I was able to survive. However there is a whole different side to this new life. I had to wake up and have breakfast with people I hardly knew. I had to go to sleep without saying goodnight to my parents and my sister. The first couple of months that I lived away from my home I had to cry myself to sleep... I called my sister almost everyday, texted her. My routine with her was the hardest thing to let go of... I still have trouble coping with that. I miss her everyday because she was my only company for the first 19 years of my life. I still see her, that I knew then... but it was not the same as living with her.

I was adopted by a new family.... that Christmas, that New Year's were the most sad of my life.... I kept wanting to cry because I wasn't with my family.... The worst part was that when I thought back, I knew that I couldn't come back.... Because there wasn't a family to come back to. My mom was living on her own and she wasn't coming back to my dad, ever. If I had gone back to my home, I would probably be gone from the world by now.... I always did say that I wouldn't stay with neither of them.. I didn't.....

Eventually I grew very fond of my new family, I learned to see my boyfriend's brothers like my brothers and his parents sorta like parental images. I am grateful for that, because as soon as I left, yes there was an emptiness in my chest that I couldn't fill, but there was also an immense weight lifted off my shoulders.....

I think I am going to have to end this post here...because if I don't it will be way too long..... So it does stop here...

I will continue this later on.....

With love,

Annie<3

To all come happiness...... Eventually....

It has been so long since the last time I took a minute out of my daily routine to write something  for this blog... It has been a minute since I went back to look at everything in here..... I wish I could've taken a minute in the past year to record the way I  was feeling, or what I was going through because it is so good to read it here.... It doesn't matter if it is bad or good... It just helps me feel better.... I probably let go of my feeling way better when I wrote weekly instead of not writing at all....
Life has been the most tragic, nostalgic, sad, depressing and at the same time, the most happy.... I do not understand how that is possible. It is not possible to recount every single milestone I've had since the last time I wrote a post. I cannot remember everything, and therefore I regret having not been here to tell myself what happened..... At the same time I am happy, because there are some things that I do not wish to remember, but I know that I have to.

I kept saying that I was going to include this blog in my daily life because it is like a journal to me. It still is... The only difference is that now there will be a big gap in it.... It kind of reminds me of 50 first dates... Because Lucy had to read a diary about her life everyday.... and even though I don't lose my memory everyday... I do lose pieces of it throughout the years so there are things I want to make sure I remember.... So here comes a frenzy of posts! :)

I am back everyone(Whoever is out there to read this...),

Love,
Annie

Is it accident or great design??

Do things happen for a reason?

Do our choices mean anything or are we made a certain way that our choices are all planned out?

Life is so hard..... There are things that I still don't finish understanding.... and I am tired and lost... I don't know how to think or how to act or what to do....

The Hummingbird

So, as life goes on we are supposed to get more experience... but I am hating all this experience...

I have to say... There was this one day, many years ago, when my parents didn't let me date. My dad told me, I don't want you to get your heart broken. I thought to myself: What if I want to get my heart broken. So I went ahead and got my heart broken, and then I might have broken one too.

NOW, well I am feeling that my heart is in a million tiny pieces.... With everything going on I feel so fragile, I feel like any little thing will hurt me even more... I don't want to have to go through this anymore.. I know that I am getting what I asked for, broken hearts, and maybe experience... but right now I don't know I guess I am fragile and with my heart the way it is, I feel that if I get even the slightest scratch, I'll die....

A few days ago I was sitting in my back patio and I noticed a humming bird... It was flying around sucking on flowers and boy, how I wished at that moment that I was a humming bird. With such an easy, graceful and beautiful life... But not everyone get what they want...

I guess I'll pass this moment, taking a look around me and making sure to value what I have in front of me. The people that are around me and support me.

I know that I might not have gotten the chance to do what I wanted to do this year. My dreams haven't gotten true. However, I will work hard to achieve them. I will get through this mess and fix everything. One way or another I will get to where I want to be.

On trust...

Okay, so I have been told multiple times that one of my worst flaws is that I trust everyone.... Or better said I trust everyone too easily...

I know that for a fact because I am quite open once you start telling me something, I have tried to work on it on recent years but I guess I have failed.

My problem is that I trust people in a way that they can come back and hit me in the back... But I take it too easily, I don't get upset and then that's why it is so easy for people to come back and do it all over again. I should have learned my lesson by now.

Now a days I can't trust my own family.... Yes it has gotten to that point. To the point where I don't know whether I can talk to them and know that I can have their support, because I can't count on their support for anything. They support me on the things that they find to their liking and not to everything that I wish for. That is the reason why all these years I haven't been able to count on their help, I can't say, "oh my parents will help me" because I don't know if they will. In the past few months I have been able to talk to my mom more often and I can tell her things. On the other side I know my dad should be no choice because I don't know how he will take things. He might like what I have to say or he might hate it. So when he hates it, he gets furious and oh who should go against his plans! Aaaahh! That is the reason why I have never confined on him, and probably never will... It is just way too hard to talk to him and when I do try to talk to him he doesn't understand half the things I have to say.

Well that was way out of topic wasn't it. Ugh.. Anyway, I suppose that is it... I should learn to get to know people before I trust them....

Life at the moment is hell...

I have something to say, my life seems like hell right now....

I have been gone for way too long... At first... well I can say that I didn't write because life was way too nice to me... Everything was bright and I was happy....

Sadly, things always change.....

I have to adapt to a new environment, I have to learn to mend broken hearts and to look out for others. I have new responsibilities that I had never known before. I have things to think about that I couldn't have ever imagined...

However, I have people that support me. I have my loving boyfriend who is there for me and I have an amazing sister who needs me to be there for her.

Sometimes I don't know how to deal with the pain, sometimes I forget that this is just the nature of life. I have to repeat to myself that everything happens for a reason and in the end everything will turn out okay. I have to remember that I will achieve my goals only if I get through this, and if I don't then everything will be harder... As soon as I am done with this bump I will continue my college education and achieve my career....

Throughout the short years in my life I have learned many things and I have gone through many hills and valleys. I have had amazing moments in my life, but I have had horrifying and hard moments that give me too much pain... Like the pain I am feeling at this moment... The pain that doesn't hurt my body but they hurt me emotionally...

As everyday passes the pain doesn't decrease, it just increases... It increases exponentially and as everyday passes I get more and more tired of this hell... I wish that it could just end, the stabbing pain has to go away eventually, but I feel that this pain is not up to its full potential. I still have more to go through, I have yet to get to peak of this misery. I know that I will be hurt more, more parts of my heart will be broken, but I have to keep in mind that after I reach the peak of the hill it will only be downhill from there and the pain will decrease and leave just as it got here.

I tried so hard to pretend that there was nothing wrong, but when things impede a person to achieve their goals and it hurts them to a point where they have to cry themselves to sleep... then the pretending can get quite hard....

I have something to say, I will get through this and one day after this is all over my life will be as bright as it used to be if not brighter....

People Make Mistakes...

I realized that people are makers of their own lives.

         People make choices for themselves and no one else, up to a point in life in which they start affecting others. Your decisions start impacting others in a way that you didn't think possible. Your decisions start coming back to bite you in the ass. Whatever choice you made, it starts hurting one way or another, whether it a mistake or not.
I have made a million mistakes, I have done things that I regret, things that if I had a chance I would go back and change, however (I know that I will contradict myself), I wouldn't change anything about them, because they brought me to where I am today. All those mistakes shaped me and made me who I am today and I know you might think otherwise, but I like who I am. I like the life I am living and I wouldn't be living it if I hadn't made the mistakes that I did.
(I Promise there is a point to this)
    A few days ago I made another mistake, well actually, I've been making the same mistake for quite some time. I am trying to shape the lives of those around me. I am trying to get my loved ones to not make mistakes, but who am I to try to get them to change the way they are choosing to go? They have chosen a way to go, and the way they chose is what they want and it is what is going to shape them in the way that my mistakes shaped me. My cousin is living her life and who am I to steer her in the direction that I believe is safe when she needs to fall down in order to learn. Besides, who am I to know what is the right path!? Heck! Maybe she already is on the right path! Who am I to say that she should change it? So to my cousin, I am sorry about what I did, and I am sorry if I tried to fix your relationship, but god sometimes I worry! I care about my cousin and I swear I believed that she was making a wrong choice, but I am wrong to ever think that, because I have no right to judge anyones choices when I in fact I have made some mistakes that have just sunk me, but I always get up. My cousins, and two in specifically have always been there for me and they steered me out of my wrong choices. I thought that I could do the same for my cousin. I am guessing that I was wrong, but anyway......
     I love my cousin and I can say, in my defense I was trying to take care of her. Return the favor in a way... Because she has done so much for me, and the least I was able to do is return it. Or not?
I can go on and write pages and pages of this nonsense, but my point is. I am letting her shape her own life and I won't get in the way anymore. I am sorry Primis... I didn't mean to cause any trouble... and you should go on and do what you think is right. Live your life the way you want to, follow your dreams and get to the point to where you are completely happy with who you are, and who you want with you. I love you, and even though I said I wouldn't get in the way of your path, I am here if you ever need me. I love you! <3

-Your cousin,
Andrea